DEAR LANE FAMILY...

It has come to our attention that you are flat broke.  We have also noticed that your kids are really skinny.  In an effort to plump them up- Lomond Elementary School would like to offer your children free lunch and breakfast every single day.  We understand that you didn't apply to our free/reduced lunch program... but the level of your poverty hasn't gone unnoticed.  We think it's very sad.  May we also suggest that you stop having children until you can afford to keep them well nourished.

Good luck,

Shaker Heights Schools lunch helper people

Dear Shaker Heights School lunch helper people,

Thank you so much for your generous offer- and for paying attention to my sweet, skinny, poor children.  However, I regret to inform you, that my children would rather scoop out their eyeballs with a spoon- before eating the lunches that you provide.  I understand that the school does not have a kitchen, and you can only be so creative with cold "hot lunches".   I wonder... would it be possible for you to pay me $2.50 per day, per child, NOT to eat school lunch?  That would be lovely- then I could go on cutting out their sandwiches with cute cookie cutters, dying their food (way too often), and getting really creative when I realize that I am out of the "right" jelly- all the while being funded in my efforts to be a good mom.

Thank you,

Meghan Lane